A friend from the (on-hold) choir called me today. She is dismayed and disappointed at my disappearance, since they are working hard on getting moved to an accessible location by next week. Why would I quit just as they’re about to Do The Right Thing? Why am I taking one person’s objections personally, especially since they’re not being heeded by the group?

She’s right, but I’m depressed and tired and I feel guilty and I don’t want to be the Poster Girl for this.

But if I didn’t want to be the Poster Girl, why did I start this and get everybody riled up?

It’s not About Katja, my friend agrees, it’s about Doing The Right Thing. But it still looks bad.

Can I just be excused for the next couple of months? Or do I have to put my game face on and go back (which I can’t do, because the new choir rehearses the same day)?



  1. Dorothea Salo

    You can be excused. They yanked you around and treated you with a lot less than respect, and now they’re trying to guilt you — they have no sense that they Did The Right Thing and that’s enough.

    Heck with ’em. Enjoy the new group.

  2. Patricia Tryon

    There’s a Lyle Lovett song about forgiving someone who has jerked him around:

    and who keeps on loving you
    when you’ve been lying
    saying things ain’t what they seem
    Well God does, but I don’t
    and God will, but I won’t
    that’s the difference between God and me

    Yeah. Well, you’re not God. These folks had plenty of opportunity to reassure you, to stay in touch, to demonstrate that they were on the train. They did not.

  3. Fazia Rizvi

    You can be excused. Patience can only be streteched so far and you were patient long enough with the old choir. Their slowness to accomodate made you feel less-than-welcome. It’s not JUST about Doing The Right Thing. It’s about doing the right thing in a way that communicates that doing the right thing is NOT a hassle and a burden (i.e. that YOU aren’t a hassle and a burden) but just something you do when you care about an individual and they need accomodatation for their family commitments/time constraints/allergies/disability/fear of heights… whatever. In my mind, moving the location of practice to someplace that would be easier for you should never have been such a difficult thing for them. YOU did the right thing. Don’t feel bad.

  4. Patricia Tryon

    And another thing. You did not start this, unless one takes the logically and morally implausible position that it is “starting something” to let the light shine on exclusion and oppression.

  5. Patricia Tryon

    That’s okay. You KNOW we’re right. In your head you know and in your heart you know. I don’t know whether you will receive the grace to begin to feel that we’re right. But we’re still right. :-)

  6. Patricia Tryon

    Your friend is confusing an actual cusp of success with the reality that this far from a done deal. Plenty of daylight has been burnt on this deal. It’s more than reasonable to move on.

  7. Becky

    Katja, you have every right to tell your friend that you want a break and want singing to be about singing again. Period. A true friend will respect your right to discuss it no further. And remind her that the weren’t doing the “Right Thing for Katja,” they were doing the “Right Thing Period” — as soon as word-of-mouth gets out that they’re rehearsing in an accessible space, they may “replace” you 10 times over.

  8. Katja

    Gahh! You’re all right – why am I having such a hard time believing you?

  9. Katja

    I’m having a serious apple-and-orange problem with this friend. She really, really can’t understand why I’m upset on the cusp of success. I’m pretty sure I can’t explain it anymore without making it much, much worse (sorry, it’s a big adverb day).

    Of course, the church the choir has decided to move to has put off the move by a week because they have to have another board meeting about it (why? nobody seems to know). If you are a member of the World According to Katja, you know this can not possibly be good.

    My friend can’t understand why I think anything could possibly de-rail the move now (except for this unexpected board meeting, the fact that the choir may think the lighting in the sanctuary is inadequate, and the goofy elevator at this place). What could possibly go wrong?


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